On Dostoyevsky

“Above all, don't lie to yourself. The man who lies to himself and listens to his own lie comes to a point that he cannot distinguish the truth within him, or around him, and so loses all respect for himself and for others. And having no respect he ceases to love.” 

-Fyodor Dostoyevsky, The Brothers Karamazov

On trust.

"Experience teaches us to be cautious of people and Trojan horses."

On Respect

Who is there among us who does not prefer tolerance, respect and forgiveness of our failings to bigotry, disrespect, and resentment? -His Holiness the Dalai Lama the XIV

On Trojan Horses

"Experience teaches us to be cautious of people and Trojan horses."

Fuck that.  Caution may save one from a lot of trouble at times, but it often also means missed opportunities.  Opportunities that can lead to something great and wonderful. 

Pronoia.  The opposite of paranoia.  The world, the universe, all of creation is conspiring to help people achieve their goals, dreams, and desires.  With a positive attitude and a belief in pronoia, one can experience great things.

Hold your breath.  Make a wish.  Count to three.

On Falling

I wasn't really paying attention to my surroundings. I was finishing a set in my lower body workout and truly getting fatigued. I went to step off the machine and grab a drink of water and take my rest before the next set. Well, in stepping off the platform of the machine, my right foot stepped on my shoelaces of my left shoe which came untied. In the trying to lift my left foot, which was stuck as it's laces were under my right foot, I lunged forward, lifted my right foot which struck the post supporting the platform causing me to spin around and fall backwards off of the workot machine and land firmly on my ass, legs flailing in the air. Luckily, no one was around to see my awkward clumsiness. I quickly sprang up, dusted myself off, and put myself back together for my next set as if nothing happened.

As someone very dear to me said once, "Cary, you fall a lot." Well duh!!!!

Where's my Kevlar body suit?

On Peace of Mind

Fear and distrust arise due to a selfish attitude and other negative mental states. A selfish attitude creates fear and insecurity, which in turn creates distrust. However, an altruistic attitude brings a great sense of happiness and peace of mind. The greater our peace of mind, the more peaceful and stable the atmosphere around us. These are the qualities of the Buddha, and through the awakening mind, compassion is foremost in the actions we can take to aleve the suffering of others and in so doing, ourselves. - His Holiness the Dalai Lama the XIV

Monday. 3 am.

Monday. 3 am. Once again I'm wide awake, waiting on this part of me to mend. This part that keeps on breaking. I hope for sleep. I hope for peaceful dreams. I hope for understanding of why things happen as they do.

I've put away my clothes, leaving room in my closet for things that won't be coming back. I've cleaned my bathroom, allowing space on the counter for the items of another that just make it look empty.

I lie in bed, curled up with too many pillows and ponder the "what ifs." The "why nots." The "how coulds." Even the "maybes."

Monday. 3 am. Sleep, I beg of you... But I know you won't come.

On First Loves

Dorothy: Oh honey, your first love... You never get over.

Rose: Oh I know! I never got over mine.

Sophia: It was a cow, wasn't it?

Rose: How did you know?!?

Dream a Little Dream

I woke up with a spasm. A jolt. A start. I bolted upright and screamed. The terror that had just been so present in my mind was nowhere to be seen, or even felt, in the darkness that surrounded me. The soft, gentle hum of the air conditioner was the only sound filling the quiet night as I stared blankly around my room. The cold breeze of which gently brushed my naked skin as I tried to remember what had startled me so.

I had been dreaming of... I couldn't remember. Yet it was so vividly unsettling just a moment before. I turned and reached to the other side of the bed out of instinct. The side where... Where there was nothing but an old, unused pillow and memories.

I laid back down and closed my eyes; snippets of the dream, the nightmare, came rushing back. There was taunting. There was screaming. There was yelling. There was rage erupting. There were phrases said... Phrases crafted with the intent to hurt. To injure. To wound the heart and the soul. There was crying. I touched my hand to my cheek and noticed tears trapped in the soft, yet brissly whiskers on my unshaven face. How had I not noticed this before? I squeezed my eyes shut, trying to push out these visions. These pictures filling my mind. I felt a tear leak out of my right eye and roll over my nose and face and melt into the pillow.

With eyes still closed, I again reached to the other side of the bed and took hold of the old, unused pillow. I drew it to my heart and wished for sleep.

On Closing Your Eyes

"You can close your eyes to the things you don't want to see, but you cannot close your heart to the things you don't want to feel." -unknown

On Anniversaries

Today, June 3, is the 51st anniversary of my parent's marriage. Or would've been had my dad not died so many years ago. To this day my mom still refers to my father as her soulmate and has never really dated nor remarried. And honestly, I have to admit a bit of jealousy. To have found someone, when she was 21 years old, that she was so devoted to and had such a wonderful and beautiful relationshp with someone is something that I've always aspired to find. But this anniversary isn't about me. This is about celebrating the love, passion, and respect my parents always had for one another. And I hold it all as a bastion of hope for what I may one day find with a man that will love me in the same manner in which I know my mother and my father loved one another for so long. And I know they still do.

On Death

Death is all around us. It happens when one least expects it. And whenever it happens it makes you remember that it is so important to say to your loved ones how much they mean to you no matter how upset you might be with them. Cuz you never know when it might be the last time you ever see this person. Always, always tell them that you love them.

On Finding Stillness

"The challenge for you is to find that still point, that clarity inside that knows this trauma is just another layer of what's not real.  You can boil inside, you can rage, cry, feel hurt and be perfectly justified.  Or you can recognize that you are not this body, this mind, this relationship, this drama, this pain, this anger, this hurt.  The whole point of knowing about karma and having a tool like yoga is to dig out the roots of what spurs us to action and creating more karma."

-Someome smarter than me

On Finding Love

"Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it." - Jalal ad-Din Muhammad Rumi

On Creating a Life You Love

When you're reassessing life, it's tempting to spend a lot of time focusing on yourself. But it can be transformative to connect with the world around you, to meet your neighbors, to enjoy the changing of the seasons, to take an interest in what's happening in your community. Simply being aware of your environment creates a sense of interconnectedness — and suddenly you can't not care about how your actions affect people and your environment.

On Being Southern

As I've stated many times before, I like to think of myself as a good Southerner. Living up to the standards and ideals taught to me by my mom, my dad, my grandmother, and all my kinfolk. To be courteous and genteel when dealing wih others. Even those that are not deserving of such consideration. 

But there are times I curse my Southern upbringing for just that etiquette that I've held so dear to my heart and has been the basis of my actions for so many years.

On two separate occasions within the past two weeks I have had the almost uncontrollable urge to throw my drink in someone's face when I've seen them out and just prancing about. To splash it all up in their business and go on a verbal tirade about their lacking of moral character and their opportunism without thoughts about the consequences of their actions. How their actions have deep, reverberating effects on people's lives. Last night was one of those nights. And were it not for the words of a dear and close friend, I probably would have done it. Right there in the midst of all this person's friends. I can almost taste the delight I woulda felt had I actually done it. But... That is not the Southern way. Vengeance, Southern style, is more subtle. Is more discreet.

But damn that would've felt good.

On Friendship

"Genuine friendship depends on genuine affection and taking a sense of responsibility for each other." - His Holiness the Dalai Lama XIV

An Unexamined Life

Socrates stated so many year ago that "an unexamined life is not worth living."

I fully and completely agree with this.  For how can one even attempt to integrate one's life into the life of another if one has no clear idea of who you are.  To even attempt such a fete is immoral, inconscionable, and just wrong.

Are We All Just Fooling Ourselves?

 

"The quality of everything we do: our physical actions, our verbal actions, and even our mental actions, depends on our motivation." - His Holiness the Dalai Lama XIV

The actions we take when we interact with others... The things we say to one another, both verbal and non-verbal... And yes, even the mental thoughts we have but don't say or act upon when dealing with others...  It all depends on our point of view, the orientation we choose when we look at this thing called life, and how we are motivated to implement that point of view and orientation.  We can choose the positive, compassionate, and loving path - what some might call the implementation of good karma - or we can find ourselves on a negative, perhaps self-destructive and hopeless path - what is often referred to as bad karma.  It is all about the choices we make in those all-important moments of truth.  Do we hide away and introduce lies and deceit into the world, into our relationships, and into our lives?  Or do we make the tough decisions and dig deep into ourselves to be honest, forthcoming, and respectful to the universe, to those around us, and to ourselves?

Karma is simply defined in the Yoga Sutras as action.  It states that these actions can be good or bad, based on what some might call universal morality.  And it is these actions, when repeated over and over again, that define the path upon which we find ourselves.  The challenge is that the mind is easily fooled into thinking we are on a particular path when in reality we are not.  For often we don't want to admit, even to ourselves, even in our most honest moments of introspection, that our actions... our thoughts... our motivation are less than moral.  Are less than ethical.  Are less than honest and truthful.

But sometimes, be it by the actions of another that can jolt your world view of the honesty and trustworthiness of others, or the simple statements of a good friend that recognizes the hurt residing within you, you can recognize that the path you thought you were traveling, be it by yourself or with your beloved, was nothing more than a fantasy.  And you realize the discordance of your own honest and respectful actions with the negative and dishonest actions of your traveling companion and this makes you recognize that you can only find the answers... the truth... the love... within yourself.  For at the end of the day, we are all alone on a planet of billions.

Letting Go

Nobody likes letting go.  From our earliest moments, our instinct is to grab, grip, cling, or hold on to anything we can.  To a finger.  To a blanket.  To a toy.  To a best friend.  To a love that has obviously already let you go by their actions.  Or their inactions.  Sometimes we hold on for dear life to the very things that inhibit us from actually living life.

But there is an upside.  The feeling we get when we do finally let go.  The trick is not to find a way around the obstacles and challenges thrown at us by life, but to live with them.  Live through them.  Learn from them.  In a halfway happy, uneasy alliance until the universe throws something new our way.  And around and around we go until the time comes finally to say goodbye.  And like it or not, ready or not, we all have to accept one universal truth - life is messy. M Always and for all of us.

But... maybe messy is what one needs.

Fairy Tales

Sometimes in a thousand tiny surrenders, or in one giant fell swoop, what you'd seen as truly mythical... you learn is truly just myth.

Ever After

"Happily Ever After" is a crock.  It's a sham.  It's a shell game on the street for every passing sucker that walks past.  They're just words.  Pretty words, but words just the same.

Our lives are determined by dumb luck, the actions we take, and the courage we summon during those all-important moments of truth.  Real life doesn't come with "The End."  Our stories never end as "Happily Ever After," is really only the beginning.  There are a million ever afters in everyone's lives.  For just when you think you've reached the finish line and found a nice little place to call home and someone with whom to curl up, the gun goes off again.

And the race begins anew.

So True

From Dear Coquette:

Dear Coquette,

Is cheating on your partner wrong in every circumstance? How about cheating and not telling?

There’s quite a bit of room to define the scope of infidelity within the context of a given relationship, but cheating is wrong. Cheating is always wrong. That’s why it’s called cheating.

If you’re capable of asking this question with a straight face, then your problem is that you don’t feel guilt if you do something wrong. You only feel shame if you get caught doing wrong.

That’s evidence of a nasty little streak of narcissism, and it’s a serious character flaw.

On Being Who You Are

Mantra

I love you,
Not only for what you are,
But for what I am
When I am with you.

I love you,
Not only for what
You have made of yourself,
But for what
You are making of me.

I love you
For the part of me
That you bring out;
I love you
For putting your hand
Into my heaped-up heart
And passing over
All the foolish, weak things
That you can’t help
Dimly seeing there,
And for drawing out
Into the light
All the beautiful belongings
That no one else had looked
Quite far enough to find.

I love you because you
Are helping me to make
Of the lumber of my life
Not a tavern
But a temple;
Out of the works
Of my every day
Not a reproach
But a song.

I love you
Because you have done
More than any creed
Could have done
To make me good
And more than any fate
Could have done
To make me happy.
You have done it
Without a touch,
Without a word,
Without a sign.
You have done it
By being yourself.
Perhaps that is what
Being a friend means,
After all.

Our Intended Path

The mind's ability to fool itself knows almost no boundaries, but eventually the lucky among us come to our senses.  The smoke fades and we see things for how they really are.
Whether by words of wisdom or the flicker of a flashlight, we muddle through the fog and land on the long and winding road we're meant to travel.  However baffling, we learn to trust the path or at least stay on it.  And having no earthly clue where it's heading means we'll never be lost.
At least not for long.

On the Dalai Lama

It's late and I can't sleep.  Thoughts of recent weeks keep running around my head threatening to make it explode and all I can do to calm myself is read the teachings of His Holiness the Dalai Lama XIV.  Some of the things I'm reading are longer articles or treatises if you will, while others are the quotes that are so often recited and their wonder exists in their pure simplicity.   Of the ones that I've been reading tonight, some of my favorites are:


“Remember that the best relationship is one in which your love for each other exceeds your need for each other.”

"There is a saying in Tibetan, 'Tragedy should be utilized as a source of strength.'
No matter what sort of difficulties, how painful experience is, if we lose our hope, that's our real disaster.”

“When we meet real tragedy in life, we can react in two ways--either by losing hope and falling into self-destructive habits, or by using the challenge to find our inner strength.”

“Only the development of compassion and understanding for others can bring us the tranquility and happiness we all seek.”

"Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible."

Simple, I know.  But sometimes it is the simple teachings, sayings, or pieces of advice that allow us to make the tiny course corrections that can lead to greater changes in our lives. 

Wonder

 
What is unleashed in the soul when we love outside ourselves is sharp, unexpected, and beyond words.
Love turns smart people stupid and conjures courage from thin air.
That we can love so wildly, so recklessly, yet feel it in the tame ways of everyday is something of a miracle.
For some, a miracle, ordinary or otherwise, would take a miracle. 
Still there's room for repentance.  There's hope, if only in glimmers.
For others, hope is all there is.
But I find that as life pushes relentlessly on, words like love, hope, and miracle nudge their way in and set up shop.  As undeniable as moon tides.
The pie-in-the-sky magical thinking of childhood is quietly replaced by a grounded, grown-up sense of wonder. 
And the reality that something as simple as a sunrise can still surprise you.

Trust

Trust [truhst] noun

1. reliance on the integrity, strength, ability, surety, etc., of a person or thing; confidence.

2. confident expectation of something; hope.

3. a person on whom or thing on which one relies.

4. the condition of one to whom something has been entrusted.

Love [luhv] noun, verb; loved, lov·ing.

1. a profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person.

2. a feeling of warm personal attachment or deep affection, as for a parent, child, or friend.

3. sexual passion or desire.

4. a person toward whom love is felt; beloved person; sweetheart.

After all is said and done, they are two words with different definitions.  However, one cannot exist with the other.  

Catharsis

Catharsis

ca-thar-sis [kuh-thar-sis]

noun, plural -ses
 

-the purging of the emotions or relieving of emotional tensions.

And this is how we do it in Texas:

 

Walls

We spend a lifetime putting up walls. With every tremor, every earthquake, they grow taller, more impenetrable.

Experience teaches us to be careful of people and Trojan horses.

With time we come to depend on these walls, rely on their protection. Until one day a boy walks by, touches the stone. The walls come tumbling down.

-unknown