Date night

Monday morning, 6am.  I had a date.  A phone date, to be precise.  A phone date with a person six time zones away.

Upon answering the phone, upon hearing his voice, I was transported back to the desert.  Memories of him curled up behind me, his arms around me, holding me close, his face nuzzled to the base of my neck.  Memories of Lake Tahoe, our bodies pressed together, my head on his shoulder.  "If I don't let you go, then you can't leave," I had said.  I let go.  He left.

Just as his voice sent me off to memoryland, his voice brought me back.  We chatted for well over an hour, and while morning me was definitely trying to rear his ugly head and push me back into a slumber, I made sure that I took full advantage of the opportunity to have a nice, long, uninterrupted chat with my Brit.  To say it was nice to hear his accent, to engage in live communication, to reconnect on some level, is like saying the water in Lake Tahoe is a tad chilly - it was wonderful.

However...

[Cue freak out music]

With the date of his visit set, with the realization that I'm actually attempting to continue the connection we experienced on the playa - even with the limitations of him being in an ongoing, open relationship much closer to the prime meridian than I am, with the knowledge that I'm a devout monogamist, I'm in the middle of a major freak-out.

My great friend Chi told me, upon hearing that Brit Boy and I were attempting a continuance of what we experienced in the desert, "to not celebrate the connections that we experience with others is folly at least and unsanctimonious at worst."  He also stated that for me, being who and what I am, to be scared of the unchartered, unfamiliar territory, to be nervous that something bad is happening...  is normal.  Yet, knowing that doesn't make it any easier.

I know some of you don't agree with all of this; you don't condone the open-relationship/lover style of things.  Honestly, I don't know where I stand with this anymore.  I thought I knew where I stood - firmly in the one-man-for-me/me-for-one-man camp.  

My knowledge of relationships... my desire for a particular kind of relationship... my comfort level of being in a specific style of relationship with others...  it's all being challenged.  It's scary.  It's frightening.  

It's allowing me to grow.