The Desert

The event in Spain was only five days, after which I was scheduled to head straight back to the states, so Brit Boy and I only had a few days to work on our reacquaintance. The first few days, us working together to get our camp set up, hanging out with our friends, new and old, and just being together made it seem like the next several days were gonna be great.

I'm not sure when the shift happened but it did, and apparently I was not aware of it at the time. Brit Boy wanted to venture out from our own camp to be social with those that he normally only sees at this event. I, however, was not in the headspace to be as social. It was actually taking some effort to relate to the people in my camp that I didn't already know. And even to some of those that I did know.

Over time, this proved problematic. I mentioned a bit ago that I had yet to fully come back out of my shell after the stress of the past several months. I was not the normal, boisterous, extroverted, and gregarious person for which I am known. Brit Boy was off reconnecting with his friends for which I was very happy, cuz even though I had been through a rough number of months, he had as well. He left Austin to return to England for both visa and economic issues, and after 4 1/2 months of searching for a job, he had become a bit down. Quite a pair we were. Both trying in our own ways to reconnect with one another on a serious level, him trying to reconnect with his friends to lift his spirits, and me... well, I was unable to communicate my feelings. I had given my ascent to him going off to bond with his friends, but I was feeling more and more disconnected to both him and our camp. I was not engaged with the people around me. And when Brit Boy was in camp and trying to talk to me... I couldn't convey these thoughts and feelings. I don't know why, but it was like I was alone in a camp filled with my friends and I couldn't trust anyone with my thoughts and feelings. Not even Brit Boy.

As I said, I hadn't been aware of this shift inside me, this inability to communicate. Brit Boy seemed to be trying at some level to get through to me, but I guess I just didn't see it as such. The questions seemed simple and basic, not prodding and... not necessarily forceful, but strong and insistent. It was as if the challenges he had been facing over the past several months had worn him down, cuz in the past Brit Boy was always much more insistent when I withdrew into myself. That was always one of the things I liked so much about him... his strong personality and ability to call me on my shit.

But he didn't do that this time. It was as if he had just given up on us and was unwilling to do anything more. Had the 4 1/2 months of separation and the stress and challenges we had endured separately really created an uncrossable barrier between us? What was it that created this divide? While in England everything was great, but once we crossed the channel, it was like things slowly began to unravel.