Clarification

I've received a few notes from some of y'all, some in the comments on my postings, and some in IM chats or emails asking if I thought or simply stating that this was all very malicious of him. Having me come over to England, travel through France to Spain only to break up with me. Let me take this opportunity to make this clear: As angry, bitter, depressed, saddened, shocked, numb, and completely shattered as I am about this, I do not feel that this was a secret plan of his.

As I stated, our reconnection in England seemed to be going swimmingly. Plans were being finalized. Conversations were happening. Things were falling into place. That, and I don't really think that he could have faked the smile on his face when I emerged from customs at the airport. That embrace. The feel of his arms around me. Perhaps I'm projecting, but I don't think so. I think it was genuine.

However, I think he was having a great deal of trouble reconciling the plans needed to put his self-realizations into action while also making the plans of me going to grad school in either London or Leeds come to fruition. I also got the sense that, even though he never said this, with the university in London being my top choice, he became a bit resentful of me. For he's been wanting to get out of London for some time. In our final discussion, after he told me about the university with which he was "in conversations" he made it very clear that he was sick and tired of things always coming up to keep him in London. Did he mean it the way it came out? Has my shocked and numb mind taken that as a statement he didn't intend? I don't know.

What I do know is that I don't think this was all planned. I think with us both being in such states after our months of stressful times, with that divide that seemed to have grown between us... I guess he just didn't see any other way to make everything happen. Personally, I see it as a bit of a cop-out, but to each their own. With all the difficulties we've faced up until now, I can't see a way that we wouldn't have been able to overcome whatever obstacles were in our path.

A very, very dear friend of mine, one which actually encouraged me to pursue this connection with Brit Boy over two years ago, stated that it seemed like ours was a relationship of difficulties and that perhaps they finally became too much. He also asked if this truly was the end. A few others of y'all have asked the same thing. And I don't know. I know that I have a philosophy of "You only get to break up with me once," but I don't really feel like I understand everything. Brit Boy said a lot of things, but I have yet to be able to reconcile those issues with the commitments we had made to one another and the plans we had made together.

Oh well, perhaps I will never know. Being several time zones away and with me not wanting any kind of communication from him at all right now (He sent out an email to a listserve to which I had yet to unsubscribe... I started crying at just seeing his name in my inbox), it doesn't really look like we'll be having many more conversations.