On Peace of Mind

Fear and distrust arise due to a selfish attitude and other negative mental states. A selfish attitude creates fear and insecurity, which in turn creates distrust. However, an altruistic attitude brings a great sense of happiness and peace of mind. The greater our peace of mind, the more peaceful and stable the atmosphere around us. These are the qualities of the Buddha, and through the awakening mind, compassion is foremost in the actions we can take to aleve the suffering of others and in so doing, ourselves. - His Holiness the Dalai Lama the XIV

Monday. 3 am.

Monday. 3 am. Once again I'm wide awake, waiting on this part of me to mend. This part that keeps on breaking. I hope for sleep. I hope for peaceful dreams. I hope for understanding of why things happen as they do.

I've put away my clothes, leaving room in my closet for things that won't be coming back. I've cleaned my bathroom, allowing space on the counter for the items of another that just make it look empty.

I lie in bed, curled up with too many pillows and ponder the "what ifs." The "why nots." The "how coulds." Even the "maybes."

Monday. 3 am. Sleep, I beg of you... But I know you won't come.

On First Loves

Dorothy: Oh honey, your first love... You never get over.

Rose: Oh I know! I never got over mine.

Sophia: It was a cow, wasn't it?

Rose: How did you know?!?

Dream a Little Dream

I woke up with a spasm. A jolt. A start. I bolted upright and screamed. The terror that had just been so present in my mind was nowhere to be seen, or even felt, in the darkness that surrounded me. The soft, gentle hum of the air conditioner was the only sound filling the quiet night as I stared blankly around my room. The cold breeze of which gently brushed my naked skin as I tried to remember what had startled me so.

I had been dreaming of... I couldn't remember. Yet it was so vividly unsettling just a moment before. I turned and reached to the other side of the bed out of instinct. The side where... Where there was nothing but an old, unused pillow and memories.

I laid back down and closed my eyes; snippets of the dream, the nightmare, came rushing back. There was taunting. There was screaming. There was yelling. There was rage erupting. There were phrases said... Phrases crafted with the intent to hurt. To injure. To wound the heart and the soul. There was crying. I touched my hand to my cheek and noticed tears trapped in the soft, yet brissly whiskers on my unshaven face. How had I not noticed this before? I squeezed my eyes shut, trying to push out these visions. These pictures filling my mind. I felt a tear leak out of my right eye and roll over my nose and face and melt into the pillow.

With eyes still closed, I again reached to the other side of the bed and took hold of the old, unused pillow. I drew it to my heart and wished for sleep.

On Closing Your Eyes

"You can close your eyes to the things you don't want to see, but you cannot close your heart to the things you don't want to feel." -unknown

On Anniversaries

Today, June 3, is the 51st anniversary of my parent's marriage. Or would've been had my dad not died so many years ago. To this day my mom still refers to my father as her soulmate and has never really dated nor remarried. And honestly, I have to admit a bit of jealousy. To have found someone, when she was 21 years old, that she was so devoted to and had such a wonderful and beautiful relationshp with someone is something that I've always aspired to find. But this anniversary isn't about me. This is about celebrating the love, passion, and respect my parents always had for one another. And I hold it all as a bastion of hope for what I may one day find with a man that will love me in the same manner in which I know my mother and my father loved one another for so long. And I know they still do.

On Death

Death is all around us. It happens when one least expects it. And whenever it happens it makes you remember that it is so important to say to your loved ones how much they mean to you no matter how upset you might be with them. Cuz you never know when it might be the last time you ever see this person. Always, always tell them that you love them.

On Finding Stillness

"The challenge for you is to find that still point, that clarity inside that knows this trauma is just another layer of what's not real.  You can boil inside, you can rage, cry, feel hurt and be perfectly justified.  Or you can recognize that you are not this body, this mind, this relationship, this drama, this pain, this anger, this hurt.  The whole point of knowing about karma and having a tool like yoga is to dig out the roots of what spurs us to action and creating more karma."

-Someome smarter than me

On Finding Love

"Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it." - Jalal ad-Din Muhammad Rumi

On Creating a Life You Love

When you're reassessing life, it's tempting to spend a lot of time focusing on yourself. But it can be transformative to connect with the world around you, to meet your neighbors, to enjoy the changing of the seasons, to take an interest in what's happening in your community. Simply being aware of your environment creates a sense of interconnectedness — and suddenly you can't not care about how your actions affect people and your environment.