Sometimes my heart beats faster...

And my left eye flutters...

On Wandering Minds

On Sígur Rós

To say they were amazing in concert is an understatement.  So breathtakingly spectacular!!!

I smiled.  I cried.  I laughed and cried at the same time.  Oh the beauty of it all...

On Correcting An Error

Fear can hold you prisoner.  Hope can set you free.

On Laughter

"I remember being so glad to be with a fellow yogi who wasn't afraid to laugh at the precariousness of being a yoga teacher and a human being.  We sat in the grass and we laughed."

-someone smarter than me

On Being Built By the Gods

Me: (working with a client, explaining the next exercise).
Him: Do you see that girl?
Me: What girl?
Him: The blonde.  She's checking you out, hardcore!  Looking you up and down.
Me: Okay... Do your set.

[After the set]

Him: Seriously, you're lucky to have girls checking you out like that.
Me: (in my head) Seriously?!?!

Next client, having overheard the conversation: Does he not know?
Me: I guess not.  Oh well.
Her: Well, your legs have been chiselled by the Gods! Of course she was checking you out.
Me: I can't help that I'm just drawn this way.

On Being Lost

There are times when I feel like all is lost.  There are times when I feel like nothing is worth it.  There comes a time when I feel lonely, even in the midst of people.

Right now is not one of those times.

The whirlwind of change that is rushing through my life is exhilarating.  It is invigorating.  It is inspiring.  It is overwhelming.

But that is what change is all about.  How the dust is going to settle I don't know.  How the whole picture will look after the pieces come together I don't know.  How I'll handle the blinding yet energizing sunshine now that my blindfold has been lifted I'm not sure.

But finding out is what makes it all so exciting.

On Being Never Not Broken

Akhilandeshvari: Goddess of Never Not Broken, or The Always Broken Goddess

The brokenness of Akhilanda isn't a brokenness of weakness, fear, or terror.  It is the brokenness that tears us apart, disrupting the ruts, routines, and rituals of our everyday life.  Those things that so often stunt our personal growth and can prove to be toxic to the development and pursuit of personal goals and achievements.  Repeating the same relationships (friendly or intimate) over and over; maintaining the same habits for years upon years; not performing some sort of introspection on a regular and routine basis to identify whether we are on the right path for our lives to achieve those goals and become the best people we can become.

The story of Akhilanda is that when we experience a devastating loss, are torn apart by some experience in our life, or we witness our envisioned future dissolve before our very eyes, we have the opportunity to choose the manner in which we will put ourselves together.  We can learn from our past that has brought us to this heaped up pile of broken pieces.  We can look forward to what had been our visions of the future.  But really, we are in a state of flux.  We are changing.  We are learning to flow through life like a river runs its course, over and around the obstacles of life; learning from the confusion of life.  For how can we ever learn and grow if we already have everything figured out.

But it is also important to recognize that this newly pieced together person is only an illusion.  This new being we create for ourselves is only temporary.  For we will break again.  We will fall apart.  We will in some way see our future dissolve and develop a new one in its wake.  For we are never not broken.  And that is the beauty and the power of Akhilanda.  We have the strength and the power to reinvent ourselves as often as we need to in order to make the course corrections in life to find the path that is right for us.

On Love

"Those that go searching for love only make manifest their own lovelessness, and the loveless never find love, only the loving find love, and they never have to see for it."

-D.H. Lawrence

On Courage

"History, despite its wrenching pain, cannot be unlived. But if faced with courage, need not be lived again."

-Maya Angelou

On Dostoyevsky

“Above all, don't lie to yourself. The man who lies to himself and listens to his own lie comes to a point that he cannot distinguish the truth within him, or around him, and so loses all respect for himself and for others. And having no respect he ceases to love.” 

-Fyodor Dostoyevsky, The Brothers Karamazov

On trust.

"Experience teaches us to be cautious of people and Trojan horses."

On Respect

Who is there among us who does not prefer tolerance, respect and forgiveness of our failings to bigotry, disrespect, and resentment? -His Holiness the Dalai Lama the XIV

On Trojan Horses

"Experience teaches us to be cautious of people and Trojan horses."

Fuck that.  Caution may save one from a lot of trouble at times, but it often also means missed opportunities.  Opportunities that can lead to something great and wonderful. 

Pronoia.  The opposite of paranoia.  The world, the universe, all of creation is conspiring to help people achieve their goals, dreams, and desires.  With a positive attitude and a belief in pronoia, one can experience great things.

Hold your breath.  Make a wish.  Count to three.

On Falling

I wasn't really paying attention to my surroundings. I was finishing a set in my lower body workout and truly getting fatigued. I went to step off the machine and grab a drink of water and take my rest before the next set. Well, in stepping off the platform of the machine, my right foot stepped on my shoelaces of my left shoe which came untied. In the trying to lift my left foot, which was stuck as it's laces were under my right foot, I lunged forward, lifted my right foot which struck the post supporting the platform causing me to spin around and fall backwards off of the workot machine and land firmly on my ass, legs flailing in the air. Luckily, no one was around to see my awkward clumsiness. I quickly sprang up, dusted myself off, and put myself back together for my next set as if nothing happened.

As someone very dear to me said once, "Cary, you fall a lot." Well duh!!!!

Where's my Kevlar body suit?

On Peace of Mind

Fear and distrust arise due to a selfish attitude and other negative mental states. A selfish attitude creates fear and insecurity, which in turn creates distrust. However, an altruistic attitude brings a great sense of happiness and peace of mind. The greater our peace of mind, the more peaceful and stable the atmosphere around us. These are the qualities of the Buddha, and through the awakening mind, compassion is foremost in the actions we can take to aleve the suffering of others and in so doing, ourselves. - His Holiness the Dalai Lama the XIV

Monday. 3 am.

Monday. 3 am. Once again I'm wide awake, waiting on this part of me to mend. This part that keeps on breaking. I hope for sleep. I hope for peaceful dreams. I hope for understanding of why things happen as they do.

I've put away my clothes, leaving room in my closet for things that won't be coming back. I've cleaned my bathroom, allowing space on the counter for the items of another that just make it look empty.

I lie in bed, curled up with too many pillows and ponder the "what ifs." The "why nots." The "how coulds." Even the "maybes."

Monday. 3 am. Sleep, I beg of you... But I know you won't come.

On First Loves

Dorothy: Oh honey, your first love... You never get over.

Rose: Oh I know! I never got over mine.

Sophia: It was a cow, wasn't it?

Rose: How did you know?!?

Dream a Little Dream

I woke up with a spasm. A jolt. A start. I bolted upright and screamed. The terror that had just been so present in my mind was nowhere to be seen, or even felt, in the darkness that surrounded me. The soft, gentle hum of the air conditioner was the only sound filling the quiet night as I stared blankly around my room. The cold breeze of which gently brushed my naked skin as I tried to remember what had startled me so.

I had been dreaming of... I couldn't remember. Yet it was so vividly unsettling just a moment before. I turned and reached to the other side of the bed out of instinct. The side where... Where there was nothing but an old, unused pillow and memories.

I laid back down and closed my eyes; snippets of the dream, the nightmare, came rushing back. There was taunting. There was screaming. There was yelling. There was rage erupting. There were phrases said... Phrases crafted with the intent to hurt. To injure. To wound the heart and the soul. There was crying. I touched my hand to my cheek and noticed tears trapped in the soft, yet brissly whiskers on my unshaven face. How had I not noticed this before? I squeezed my eyes shut, trying to push out these visions. These pictures filling my mind. I felt a tear leak out of my right eye and roll over my nose and face and melt into the pillow.

With eyes still closed, I again reached to the other side of the bed and took hold of the old, unused pillow. I drew it to my heart and wished for sleep.

On Closing Your Eyes

"You can close your eyes to the things you don't want to see, but you cannot close your heart to the things you don't want to feel." -unknown